I am against the idea of using Social Media !

I am against the idea of using Social Media !

I almost struggled 10 years to make a decision about whether to use social media or not. I created account and deleted it several times due to confusion.  An insight that I got recently helped me in making concrete choice – that I shouldn’t use social media to express myself.

Previously I was confused because I believed that Social Media provides a platform to create and share content. I also believed that I can stay connected to my childhood friends or friends who are away from me and also my extended family. I also liked the features that social media platforms offer for free of cost. They allow us to upload unlimited number of files. Platforms like instagram provides an opportunity to edit photos and add music to videos easily. Tasks that are almost impossible without proper software becomes easy and possible when we use social media platforms.

But still I am not willing to use the social media platforms and benefits that they provide! That is because I realized few things. Relationships and connections that I perceived while spending time on social media are completely fake. For eg. I was seeing all updates of one of my best friend.  It made me feel that we were in touch. But she never calls or talks with me in real life. When we met, she didn’t entertain intellectual discussions. She didn’t share anything with me.  There are some unresolved issues between us. She never tries to address or talk about them. She stops me when I try to talk, by saying that I am giving her stress. That means, she is a person who would choose denial over self awareness. But on social media,  she posts several personal stories and insights. That kept me in an illusion that she is a person who is interested in self exploration.  This is just one example. There is another friend of mine who shares inspiring stories and motivational messages. In real life, she gave up everything! She is so depressed and living life by thinking that nurturing her child is her life purpose. Like that, there are so many examples. Most of the people make posts on social media to strengthen lies that they tell to themselves.

I also figured that I cannot do friendship in real life with more than 70% of people who are my friends on social media. On social media, it is easy to ignore messages that promote or impose denial, theism, irrational beliefs and judgemental nature. But thats impossible in real life.

I felt attacked several times. When I made posts that are not in alignment with socially norms and stereotypes,  I was questioned. More interesting thing is, people never dared to comment on my post publicly. I noticed that all the people who are against me never respond to my posts. But they do read, remember, wait for an opportunity,  when they get chance to talk to me personally, they either question me or they pass on sarcastic comments. However,  I am open to questions.  Only thing that made me bother is their approach and strategy.

I realized that social media cannot act as a platform where 2 people discuss about their ideologies in most of the cases.  Because, both the parties need self esteem and open mind to publicly discuss about something that can negatively affect reputation of both the parites.

Social media platforms provide opportunity to edit photos and add music. But after that, I will not be left with a choice of shifting content to other platform in most of the cases. For eg: if I create a reel, I can’t download it with music. That means, in order to edit my content for free, I have to compromise on freedom of posting my content.  Its like conditional love of a parent who says that he will love his son only if he stays with parents.

Moreover, technical errors and issues never get resolved. No one responds to query msgs. That makes me feel helpless. I lack control on my own content when I upload it on social media. 

Social media creates imbalance between 2 people who are connected.  Even when one person is not interested,  other person can stalk and know what is happening in a friend’s life. Other person can assume that they both are friends and important to each other. In real life, stalking is so difficult and a person has to take several actions to stalk. That needs lots of courage and effort. Even after doing so much, stalker can only see his/her friend or relative or crush or enemy from a distance. On social media,  stalker can stalk anyone just by clicking on profile.

People share only about happy things on social media. They hide their pain, struggles, journey, progress, etc and share about achievements,  happy moments. Where as, in real life if we live with someone in proximity,  we get a chance to see everything happening in their life.

One particular insight helped me in taking decision about whether to be on social media or not. I realized that platform to express and platform to connect can never be same. I only need my own platform to write, post photos, poems, travel videos  experiences, etc. I should be the one and only one important person on this platform. I need more control. I should be able to allow like minded people to view my content if they are interested. 

But me being in relations is different. Both the people in relationship are important. I can discuss about my interests only if other person is interested. I decided that I will handle relations separately,  but not by merging them with my own space. That is when decided that I will stop using social media and start using wordpress and Youtube platforms.

A well wisher who doesn’t believe in me is never a well wisher.

A well wisher who doesn’t believe in me is never a well wisher.

Imagine there is a aunt of mine who thinks that she is a wellwisher of mine.

I go and tell her that I am planning to start a business and she suggests me not to do that because she thinks I am incapable of doing business

I go and tell her that I am in love with a guy and she warns me not to commit. Because she thinks I cannot choose right people.

In this way, her belief always counteracts my desires and goals. She thinks she is only warning.

But any human thinks that he/she is correct. As a result, shee will keep believing that she is correct. I.e., I am dumb.

Any human actions depends on what he/she believes, but not on what he/she wants to do or says that he/she will do. Even though this aunt desires to benefit me, says that she would benefit me, all her actions will be directed in such a way that she could prove that I am dumb. Unknowingly also, she might wish to prove that I am dumb. That is what can harm me.

Enemy who has trust will harm less than friend/relative who doesn’t have trust!

The story of my impulsivity and blame games

The story of my impulsivity and blame games

It is easy for anyone to understand about shades of a victim in them. However, its very difficult to understand , accept, acknowledge and change the negative shades. As per my understanding, that happens not because people are bad or something. It happens just because, abuser shades hide deeply inside the core of a person. A person who is more self aware will automatically turn into a good person.

I can divide my self awareness journey into 3 phases. Now I can see phases, but I couldn’t see anything back then. There was no distinction between phases. I was even not able to measure my transformation. During phase 1 I dealt with my anxiety and its symptoms. I also learned different perspectives about my family, relationships, career, etc. That helped me in connecting to people and becoming functional.

I didn’t understand how and when I entered phase 2. During phase 2, I realized that I also played role of a physical and emotional abuser. I was abusive towards my family members, especially towards my mother, for many times. Since I learned techniques to show self compassion towards me in the 1st phase, I didn’t feel self hatred or guilt after knowing that I played a abuser role. That helped me in dissecting my own abuser role and learning so many things about me during that process. There were also people, like my counsellors, friends, family members, etc who blamed me and made me feel guilty during that phase. People who judge and criticize can only help a person in understanding about what is happening. But they cannot facilitate change. Half of my energy used to get drained in dealing with criticism and another half used to get drained during process of gaining self awareness. One thing that helped me in changing myself is my self love.

I had difficulty in making decisions right from my childhood and I realized that only in phase 2 of self awareness journey. During childhood, there were many instances where I made decisions by randomly picking chits.

No human being can make perfect choices. That is because, it is impossible to predict outcomes of a choice and it is impossible to decide whether a choice is perfect or not without knowing its outcomes / results / consequences / repercussions. For example, when I chose a place to set my office, invested money on renovating the place and established it, I was not aware of consequences. Because of COVID crisis I had to close office. But can I say that my decision was wrong back then? No! We can neither call any decision right nor wrong. Decision is just a decision and it can either turn out to be a good one or a bad one.

But, I learned all this only during phase 2. During my childhood and also during my adolescence, I used to be very obsessed while making decisions. I used to bother too much to make right decisions.

Difficulty in making decisions was the root cause of my impulsivity and abusive nature. I was impulsive and abusive in all situations where there was uncertainty and need of making decisions. For example, I shouted on my mother and blamed her every time after making each of my life decisions like choosing career, relationship, etc. I cannot say that there were no flaws in parenting. My family members were overprotective and very critical about all my decisions. But I always had a choice of reacting in other way to whatever things she or any of my family members did to me when I was a child. I also used to behave impulsively. I did rash driving many times and met with accidents two to three times.

I could not stop my impulsivity even when I tried hard to control myself during my childhood. But after I figured out root cause, I could bring drastic changes in my patterns. Now also I cannot say that magic happened and I completely got transformed, but I can say that I am very very less impulsive when compared to earlier version of me. I can make decisions without any confusions and take responsibility of consequences now. Sometimes I make wrong choices and sometimes I make right choices. But I know the fact that consequences add labels to decisions. That is why it is impossible for anyone to make ‘right’ decisions. I learned ways to deal with consequences of my wrong decisions. This whole process empowered me and helped me in forming healthy relations with others.

Never compromise for anyone! Because when you compromise,  you will start asking that person to give you something that can compensate what you lost for him/her!. You don’t like the fact that you have expectations and you will go into denial. Your stubbornness is less harmful to that person than your pressure/expectation/denial!

Life is complete in itself! It grows, feels, learns, experiences, unfolds, on its own! We human, underestimate the importance and capability of life and try to alter the natural standards by setting standards, creating paths, monitoring speed, measuring progress and rewarding outcomes! And anxiety, depression, ocd are all byproducts of our acts that take us away from true meaning. If we just allow the life to live, that is enough! Life can find its meaning and purpose on its own by overcoming all the problems and hurdles…

Slowly learning and adopting to online interfaces in the counseling/training context! This is something I would never have done in my entire life if there was no pandemic! Living and evolving is all about adapting to changes! Studied in biology and now seeing practically!