Anger is a emotion but not a decision!

What is the logical explanation of the quote ???

“Holding Onto Anger Is Like Drinking Poison and Expecting the Other Person to Die. -Buddha”

When we get anger on someone, and there is connection, what does that mean? there can be two reasons (based on my practical observations) of anger. One, a person gets anger when he/she feels like his/her private space is being invaded. Secondly, someone gets anger if he/she expects something and the thing that he/she expected doesnt happen. I.e., when he/she gets disappointed.

Lets understand above cases by using examples. Sarita (imaginary character) is a adolescent girl. Her mother controls her a lot. Her mother tells her how to dress, what to do in a day, what career she has to choose, etc and Sarita gets anger.

Vishnu (imaginary character) is a needy guy who expects care from his girl friend. He asks his girl friend to cook food for him, take care of him when he is sick. He gets anger when girl friend fails in taking care of him.

In both the cases, there is one thing that is common. Both Sarita and Vishnu has connection with her mother and his girlfriend respectively and there is imbalance in the connection. Sarita’s mother is intrusive and invades Sarita’s space, and Vishnu has expectations linked to his girlfriend’s acts, which can be seen as extrapolation of his expectations on his life.

In both the cases, connection is in imbalance, boundary is improper, which in turn turns out to be toxic to both or either of the persons.

So lets assume, both Sarita and Vishnu decided to end their relationships. They decided to move away and stay away from relation that is giving them pain. Interesting question is, can they solve their problem by moving away from relationships that make them feel angry all the time? Can a person choose to end a relation just to get rid of anger?

If connection doesn’t exist, a person can choose to end the relationship that exists only like a empty relation. But what about ending a relation that is full of connection, which is toxic because of imbalance and lack of boundaries?

If Sarita lived many years with her mother, Vishnu lived few years with his girlfriend, even when they suffered, that indicates presence of a connection. I.e., their relation is of some value to them and that is the reason why they stayed in relation for short or long period. What happens to value that they gave to relation when they end the relation?

Love and Hatred are two sides of the coin. We experience either love or anger only when there is connection. If connection exists, forceful termination of that connection leaves the person clueless. The value that he/she gave to relation, experiences and memories reach a dead-end and they get converted into baggage! Person will carry those baggage and forms notions on relationships based on his emotions that met a dead-end point abruptly.

Only solution is to re establish boundaries and protect the connection. If a person wants no baggage and allow the flow, he/she has to learn to protect his/her connections.

In Sarita’s case, she can learn to establish boundary by staying physically separate from mother, learning how not to get influenced, take her own decisions confidently, fight for her rights and assertively convey to mother that there is problem

In Vishnu’s case, he can learn to reestablish boundaries by learning what he can expect and what he cant expect from his girlfriend. Even when she fails in doing something he expects, he has to learn how not to interpret it in a negative way. She didn’t cook food, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care for him.

What people do when they get anger is, they believe that their emotion is their decision and they decide that they have to end the relationship. Such endings are new beginnings to lot of disturbances and trauma in their life.

Note: Above article is not about cases where two people are not connected to each other. A person also gets anger on other person who is not connected to her/him. Abuse could be an example. Victim is not connected to Abuser and Victim gets anger on Abuser. If that is the case, above explanation and solution are not applicable to such situations.

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