It is easy for anyone to understand about shades of a victim in them. However, its very difficult to understand , accept, acknowledge and change the negative shades. As per my understanding, that happens not because people are bad or something. It happens just because, abuser shades hide deeply inside the core of a person. A person who is more self aware will automatically turn into a good person.
I can divide my self awareness journey into 3 phases. Now I can see phases, but I couldn’t see anything back then. There was no distinction between phases. I was even not able to measure my transformation. During phase 1 I dealt with my anxiety and its symptoms. I also learned different perspectives about my family, relationships, career, etc. That helped me in connecting to people and becoming functional.
I didn’t understand how and when I entered phase 2. During phase 2, I realized that I also played role of a physical and emotional abuser. I was abusive towards my family members, especially towards my mother, for many times. Since I learned techniques to show self compassion towards me in the 1st phase, I didn’t feel self hatred or guilt after knowing that I played a abuser role. That helped me in dissecting my own abuser role and learning so many things about me during that process. There were also people, like my counsellors, friends, family members, etc who blamed me and made me feel guilty during that phase. People who judge and criticize can only help a person in understanding about what is happening. But they cannot facilitate change. Half of my energy used to get drained in dealing with criticism and another half used to get drained during process of gaining self awareness. One thing that helped me in changing myself is my self love.
I had difficulty in making decisions right from my childhood and I realized that only in phase 2 of self awareness journey. During childhood, there were many instances where I made decisions by randomly picking chits.
No human being can make perfect choices. That is because, it is impossible to predict outcomes of a choice and it is impossible to decide whether a choice is perfect or not without knowing its outcomes / results / consequences / repercussions. For example, when I chose a place to set my office, invested money on renovating the place and established it, I was not aware of consequences. Because of COVID crisis I had to close office. But can I say that my decision was wrong back then? No! We can neither call any decision right nor wrong. Decision is just a decision and it can either turn out to be a good one or a bad one.
But, I learned all this only during phase 2. During my childhood and also during my adolescence, I used to be very obsessed while making decisions. I used to bother too much to make right decisions.
Difficulty in making decisions was the root cause of my impulsivity and abusive nature. I was impulsive and abusive in all situations where there was uncertainty and need of making decisions. For example, I shouted on my mother and blamed her every time after making each of my life decisions like choosing career, relationship, etc. I cannot say that there were no flaws in parenting. My family members were overprotective and very critical about all my decisions. But I always had a choice of reacting in other way to whatever things she or any of my family members did to me when I was a child. I also used to behave impulsively. I did rash driving many times and met with accidents two to three times.
I could not stop my impulsivity even when I tried hard to control myself during my childhood. But after I figured out root cause, I could bring drastic changes in my patterns. Now also I cannot say that magic happened and I completely got transformed, but I can say that I am very very less impulsive when compared to earlier version of me. I can make decisions without any confusions and take responsibility of consequences now. Sometimes I make wrong choices and sometimes I make right choices. But I know the fact that consequences add labels to decisions. That is why it is impossible for anyone to make ‘right’ decisions. I learned ways to deal with consequences of my wrong decisions. This whole process empowered me and helped me in forming healthy relations with others.